I'm in great health and I am cleared for surgery. I also had my first EKG which was exciting and my results were perfect.
I'm really looking forward to being able to do things again that I can't do now. Yesterday I was reading these bulletins for all these dance classes that I would love to take. Before my first surgery I was taking Ballroom dancing but it became too painful for me to continue. Now I can't do much of anything besides sit. Every step I take causes searing, burning pain in both my hips now, so I try to walk as little as possible. I can't go to the grocery store, or Christmas shopping. I can't do martial arts, rock climbing, go for a walk on the beach, or stroll through downtown San Francisco. I know there are people worse off than me so I rarely complain about the things I can't do and I try to focus on the things I can do. But right now I am going to tell you about the things I can't do so that after my surgery I can have a comparison. Even if I can do a little more than I can now, then I will have accomplished something great.
Right now, I can't even take a shower without sitting down. I had to get an "old man" shower chair, as Gavin calls it, so that I could make it through a whole shower. I also sit down when I do the dishes, brush my teeth, put on makeup, cook dinner, ect. I have a lot of stools in my house.
If I leave my house I always bring my cane and my crutches just in case. If I go to a restaurant or to a store I need my cane to support me while I walk and stand in line. The only shopping stores I can go to are the ones that have power carts. Otherwise if Gavin and I have to stop at a store I just wait in the car. Luckily he lets me play Angry Bird on his cell phone.
Gavin and I have passed up vacations and outings because I can't do those things. We were invited to go to Disney World in Florida but it would be exhausting for me and I would need my wheelchair and my crutches to get around. I would rather go after my surgery when I am feeling better. Also, I would have to put up with a lot of people staring at me and asking me questions.
One thing that I hate is all the questions people ask me. Especially when they are rude and doubt how much pain I am in. I hate it when someone tells me I cant use a power cart or I shouldn't be parking in handicap parking.
I would love to go for a walk with Gavin and hold his hand. We also want to get a dog but I wouldn't be able to walk it.
I also want to be able to exercise. I can exercise right now, by swimming or doing light exercising, but I would love to just be active and try new things.
Not all jobs are available to me which make it really difficult to find a job. I feel like so many doors have closed because I can't walk, stand, or drive far. I hope I can at least feel good enough to be able to walk and stand somewhat so I can have more job opportunities.
Its really difficult to sleep when I am in so much pain. There are a few positions that are more comfortable than others but if I move during the night, which most people do, I wake up in pain again and cant get to sleep. I would just love a good nights sleep.
I also dread walking to the bathroom. Those few steps are so painful but necessary. I wish my bladder was huge so I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom so much.
I wish I could run downstairs and grab Gavin a glass of water, I do still do that sometimes, but it causes so much pain When Gavin makes a request for me to get something for him on the other side of the house it is a difficult decision to make whether to go grab it or not. I want to do everything for him like he does everything for me, but that walk across the house might put me in too much pain to sleep at night.
I hope after my surgery I can feel just a little bit better than I do now, and do just a little bit more. That is all I want. Anything else will just be a bonus. But, if I don't feel better, I can live with that too. What my future holds, I just don't know. Especially since my other hip is beginning to ache all the time too. If I don't get better, I will just have to make permanent changes to my lifestyle and let go of any hope that I am going to improve. Right now I am still holding on to that hope that I will get better.
Going through all of this has really put life in perspective. I can never take anything for granted now. I may not be able to rely on my hips, but I still have my legs, my hands, my eyes, my ears, and my nose. So I can be thankful for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment